Tonight, New York came to visit me, and as usual, we watched movies together. We each picked one movie to watch. We rolled dice to decide which one to watch first, and I won. We watched my movie first, and then we watched the one New York chose.
In one of the scenes, a character said, “All humans are sinners,” and this line hit me hard because it’s something I deeply believe in. This belief has made my life difficult because I find it hard to trust anyone. I haven’t felt well for a long time because people have come into my life and gotten close to me, making me feel insecure. I constantly feel like danger is near, and even though I feel love for these people, I’m equally terrified. Many of my partners have probably heard me say multiple times that I love them and that I’m scared.
To be honest, we are all inherently free like animals, but we are trapped in a prison of rules and principles. Eventually, everyone breaks out of this prison. Those who haven’t escaped probably tried but didn’t succeed due to sheer luck. In reality, there is no good or bad for us or our nature. Humans live for survival and have created rules to ensure it. But if we look deeper, nothing is inherently good or bad. We have a few cats in our yard who are like close friends to me, and I love them dearly. One of them was named Maze, inspired by the character Maze in the TV series “Lucifer,” and it was my favorite cat. But after a while, I saw it attacking one of our kittens, probably its own child, and this made me hate it. But the truth is, Maze didn’t even know what it was doing was wrong. I fear humans, animals, and all living beings because they can do anything and will do anything. Honestly, my wish is for technology to advance so much that all my friends are robots. While they can be scary, believe me, nothing is more frightening than living beings.
Today was a really strange day. It felt like I had to put in ten times the energy for everything I wanted to do. Everything was moving slower than it should, and my mind was filled with negative thoughts, making it hard to concentrate. In the three hours I spent in front of the computer, I only managed to write three lines of code. Honestly, on days when I have a lot to do, I get overwhelmed and find it very difficult to get things done.
Today, I watched a course on backtracking that explained the concept really well. I wanted to solve the Hamiltonian problem and code it, but it felt like my body, hands, and brain were all heavy. I think it’s because of PMS. I usually get negative thoughts during this period, which makes me feel bad. However, I remembered a quote by Donald Knuth that goes something like, “The amount of work you do on your best days does not determine your success; it’s the amount of work you do on your worst days that determines your success.” I tried not to give in to PMS and, although slower, I kept working.
For a while now, I’ve been reading this paper Donald Knuth Dancing Links and I want to use it to build a Sudoku solver. At first, everything was moving very slowly, but despite the slow progress, I kept going. Now I see that slow progress doesn’t necessarily mean bad progress. In fact, sometimes it’s good and gives me hope because it makes me see that everything is achievable and that any task is possible, even when it seems incomprehensible and daunting at first.
There is a famous saying among hackers: “The biggest projects that work are a collection of small projects that work.” Honestly, when I broke down this paper into smaller, more understandable parts, it became much easier for me. I’m still working on these smaller parts, but I am satisfied and happy.
It’s like my French class, which had its second session tonight. As someone who is somewhat introverted, attending the class and speaking French was very difficult for me. But my teacher is a very cheerful and sociable person whose only goal in teaching is to socialize and make new friends. Initially, even attending this class was very challenging for me because I had to be active and talk a lot. However, tonight it became easier, and once again I concluded that although starting something might be hard, continuing it shows you that nothing in the world is truly difficult, and you can enjoy starting anything.
Hello,
I’m Zea, and this is my first website. Honestly, I’m not sure what exactly I should write here or if there are any rules to follow. But, just about ten minutes ago, I decided to write down the thoughts in my mind and share the things I do and the cool stuff I come across. Probably, no one except myself will see this, which is fine because it makes writing easier for me until I figure out what usually goes on awesome websites.
For now, the plan is to write to clear my mind, and I think it’s going to be a lot of fun. Even though I’m not great at writing, it’s always been a calming activity for me. There was a time in my life, when I was eight years old and had just learned to write, that I wanted to become a writer. But the following year, when I got more familiar with math, I changed my mind and wanted to win a Nobel Prize in Mathematics. I found out tonight that there is no Nobel Prize for Mathematics, and I’m relieved to have an answer for my nine-year-old self.
After considering various careers like writer, mathematician, footballer, football coach, heart surgeon, carpenter, painter, psychologist, and designer, I finally landed on programming and computer science. I don’t know if I’ll change my mind again or how long I’ll continue with this, but right now, I’m having the best time of my life. I love learning, and diving into the vast world of algorithms and different programming languages gives me the ability to create various things.
A while ago, someone told me that the more you code, the better you get at it, and it also makes you a better writer. I hope that when more people discover this site, I’ll have become both a better programmer and a better writer, making my blogs interesting for others to read.
